Tag Archives: funny

Good in Bed

Good in bed:
-Infant sleeps through the night.
-Toddler falls right to sleep.
-Child stays put in bed.
-Teen in bed by curfew.
-College student practices safe sex.
-Newly married enjoys great sex.
-Young parents take turns with baby throughout the night.
-Middle age partner doesn’t snore.
-Senior citizen sleeps a few hours without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
-Elderly relies on Depends to sleep like a baby.

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Who Moved My Cookies?

cookies cover 3Jessie Newman was a smart, sexy, successful Weight Watchers leader, who had it all, until she caught her cheating husband, in the act. After tossing him to the curb, she had to quit the part-time career she loved and wound up stuck in a dead-end job, watching her butt grow. Now, married to a prominent and handsome neurosurgeon, who happens to think she’s cute, cellulite and all, Jessie is ready for a change.

Although it kills Jessie to leave her family, when her new husband, Dr. Tad Newman, gets offered a job in our nation’s capital, this former weight loss guru, still reeling after her failed first marriage, considers this the opportunity she’s been waiting for to quit job she hates, drop the twenty pounds she’s packed on, and embark on a new career.

Happily married at last, Jessie looks forward to letting go of her former life and embarking on a journey of self-improvement. In Who Moved My Cookies?, Jessie sets out to start a new career during a time when companies are downsizing, not hiring. In between tackling online job applications, Jessie works on figuring out the perfect diet while fantasizing about fitting into those clothes she’s been saving since shoulder pads were the height of fashion, even if it means giving up meat and cookies. But not M&M’s. She has her limits. Most importantly, Jessie is determined to make this marriage work, in spite of the many hours her husband is now spending with his sexy new assistant, who just happens to become the subject of the murder mystery she is writing????

As a former Weight Watchers leader who helped thousands lose weight on the Weight Watchers program, I know what it is like to stand in front of the freezer, sneaking a few bites, licks and tastes from the half-gallon containers of mint chocolate chip ice cream and tubes of frozen cookie dough I kept hidden behind the frozen broccoli.

If you can relate to Jessie, or just want a really fun Bridget Jones- type of read, please take a look at Who Moved My Cookies?

Food Porn and Weight Watchers

Did you ever notice how packaged ice cream is at its peak of perfection the moment you bring it home from grocery shopping? OMG…Stop me now.

My sixteen-year gig as a Weight Watchers group leader in the Cleveland suburbs was like doing eleven shows a week at the Improv. Standing in front of a packed house— 20 to 100 members on average— I would mime sneaking a taste of my newly purchased 1/2 gallon container of Pierre’s chocolate-chocolate chip. Opening the lid immediately after placing it on the kitchen counter, not even caring if my other groceries spoiled from neglect, I would attack the carton like a vulture going after his prey. I just needed one taste. One perfect mouthful. I’d swirl my plastic, (yes it had to be a plastic spoon so as not to give a metallic taste to the ice cream), around the top, savoring the creamy goodness at its peak of perfection. I would glance around the room, noticing my members at the edges of their seats, living vicariously through my experience. I’d watch their eyes tearing up, their lips quivering, as if they were watching pornography. In a way, this was our pornography. Food porn. And we loved it. We craved more. We needed to hear other members’ experiences to learn how to deal with our own issues with food. And to know we were not alone in our struggle with our weight.

During the sixteen years I taught Weight Watchers, I feared that if I no longer had to do my weekly/monthly weigh-ins, I’d put back on the weight I had lost years before. That was scary.

Eventually I had to give up my meetings and I have been struggling with the scale ever since.
I’m sharing some of my weight challenges, along with many experiences members have discussed in thousands of my meetings through the voice of my fictional character, Jessie Newman, in my novel: Who Moved My Cookies? available now on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G3Q91CS.

My Three Minute Meditation

My three minute meditation

I’m sitting
I’m waiting
For my stress to flee
Leaving my body
Like leaves from a tree.

Just three little minutes
That’s all that it takes
For stress to take flight
And leave me…
I’ll wait.

The three little minutes
He said it will work
To lower my blood pressure
I feel like a jerk.

Just three little minutes
Are driving me crazy
I could have washed dishes
Instead I feel lazy.

Just three little minutes
That’s way way too long
When one bar of chocolate
Would make me so strong.

Just three little minutes
Thank God they are done
Forget about stress relief methods
I’m going out for some fun!

A Son’s Tribute – Peanut Man

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Flying high
Up and away
In his spaceship
Don’t ask me why.

Never forgetting
Where he came from
He stares out the window
He watches the sun.

He looks for the moon
He dances on stars
He sings with his eyes closed
He travels so far.

To Saturn, to Mercury
To planets unnamed
He flies through the universe
It’s all a big game.

He settles back down
All snug in his bed
Dreams of his loved ones
Filling his head.

This tribute would do
And so would a letter
But one thing’s for sure
A tattoo lasts forever.

My Favorite Geek

Gratitude’s an attitude
I live it every day
Just to have you with me
This is what I say.

Every time you’re near me
Words alone won’t do
I tremble at your touch
Your smell, your brown eyes too.

How on earth to thank you
I have to get a clue
You guided me with gentle care
You held my hand so true.

From back I peeked over
Your shoulder to get a glance
To figure out your method
So I could take a chance.

To do the job with no help
Some day no help I’ll seek
But today I need my computer
Fixed by my favorite geek.

Love you honey!!